A little bit about me

When I was 6 I would walk to school. Across two high streets, past numerous private homes and through two darkened alleys. I'd also walk home.
It never occurred to me that there was anything dangerous about that, in fact it wasn't till a blue rinse haired grandmother insisted on walking me across the very busy road one day that I actually thought that what I was doing was any different to the way other people live.
Fast forward to now and I feel the same awakening. Frightful. I can now see the other people looking on at what I have been doing, which is existing in the Jehovah's Witness religion, and being a little horrified for me. Now that I see things a bit more clearly I am a little horrified myself.
I'm 40. I'm a female. I haven't left the religion officially and by that I mean that I'm still on the books and still on the radar- hence I'm not using my real name.

The thing I noticed, through the pain, when I was trying to fade away, was the apparent lack of lesbians writing blogs about their JW experiences. When you google ex Jehovah's witness lesbian you basically get 3 possible avenues for advice or reassurance and one or two sexualised accounts of lesbian seduction that may or may not have happened to or by a Jehovah's Witness. As a society we are more comfortable with lesbianism being a titillation and in the religion we are thoroughly dissuaded from anything titillating.  It's so secretive (oh yes I see the pause of irony as I type this anonymously) and it made me feel like I was the only one. In the religion you would hear stories about so and so who fell in love with a girl and they 'ran away' together. I always remember thinking 'oh god I hope they are forever happy'.

Why do you think that is? I think two things. Firstly that in the religion it is so quiet. Homosexuality is invisible, it hasn't got anything to do with the 'truth' because there basically is no such thing as homosexuality. It exists in the religion as a perverted choice- like incest and bestiality. I think that because of this quietness when woman leave the religion they don't necessarily have the language or courage to speak out. The main amount of energy must be given to leaving, not to fighting.

Or I have another theory that woman just get on with their lives. And the initial thoughts of 'educating' others is overtaken by finding a partner, making a living, being happy, buying 3 cats and going hiking- wink.

What ever the reason I've started this blog. It's a personal blog about my fading from the religion and other ramblings as I sort it all out. My hope is that my writing this connects with others and gives a voice of sorts to the unique and crazy existence of living as a closeted Jehovah's Witness.

Love?

My girlfriend told me she loved me last night. It wasn't the first time. We were holding each other and she said " I love you" and she kept saying it.

"I love you" is very rewarding for the person who says it. It engenders a feeling of well being. It makes your heart feel full and confident and makes your brain believe that everything will be ok. "I love you" is rewarding for the receiver, like a warm blanket has been placed around cold shoulders. It freezes a loving moment in time and for that flicker only you two exist.

In my mind when my girlfriend says she loves me a different neural pathway is ignited. My mind travels down the lightning lines to all the people who have ever said they love me. Most importantly stops at my JW friends and family. And instead of surges of love and trust I get pangs of despair and sadness. It shoots into my veins and pulses around my body trying to paralyse me. The iron-like fluid clogs up my heart.

 It won't always be like this. I'll learn to trust love again. The feelings of abandonment and betrayal will lessen. My body will re-program and learn to bypass those neural pathways. And when my girlfriend says "I love you" I won't flinch or vague out or cry, I'll be wrapped in the honest warm blanket of true love.