Love?

My girlfriend told me she loved me last night. It wasn't the first time. We were holding each other and she said " I love you" and she kept saying it.

"I love you" is very rewarding for the person who says it. It engenders a feeling of well being. It makes your heart feel full and confident and makes your brain believe that everything will be ok. "I love you" is rewarding for the receiver, like a warm blanket has been placed around cold shoulders. It freezes a loving moment in time and for that flicker only you two exist.

In my mind when my girlfriend says she loves me a different neural pathway is ignited. My mind travels down the lightning lines to all the people who have ever said they love me. Most importantly stops at my JW friends and family. And instead of surges of love and trust I get pangs of despair and sadness. It shoots into my veins and pulses around my body trying to paralyse me. The iron-like fluid clogs up my heart.

 It won't always be like this. I'll learn to trust love again. The feelings of abandonment and betrayal will lessen. My body will re-program and learn to bypass those neural pathways. And when my girlfriend says "I love you" I won't flinch or vague out or cry, I'll be wrapped in the honest warm blanket of true love.