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Here's
the thing. Happiness makes you pretty. It makes you handsome. It makes you
smart- or your dumbness not so unappealing. I have been unhappy for so long
that I don't remember what 'happiness' is like. I know the academic expression
of it.
I met my
girlfriend on the internet. Not on a dating site, but on Afterellen- a special
interest site for lesbians. We met in a chat room. We messaged each other. I
found her terribly funny and she made me smile, even across the electronic
pathways. Writing to her made me so happy.
Suddenly
I found myself walking down the streets smiling. She later confessed that she
almost got hit by a bus because she was so 'happily distracted' by me.
It is
impossible to have happiness without experiencing an element of control in your
life. And now I had stumbled into this beautiful friendship created by me and
for me, controlled by me.
It had
got to the point in the religion where I no longer had any or enough control.
And I think that contributed to my depression. And I think it contributes to a
lot of Jehovah's witnesses feeling pressured by the 'system' and 'weighed down'
and 'discouraged'. But I can't talk for them, but I can say that since I have
left, the happiness has come back. The pressure is gone and the days are
brighter. I'm not happy 24/7. But the door is open for me to do so much more
about my own happiness. That's empowering, that's control!
A friend
of mine left the religion and her long time illness disappeared. People in the
religion said that it was because she was in denial and 'running on adrenaline'
and that it wouldn't last. But, 10 years later, she is still illness free. A
relative of mine had several painful ailments and when he left the religion
they also left him. He can't say why, unlike so many Jehovah's Witnesses he is
not a doctor! But, he has a theory that the religion makes you sick.
It
doesn't seem like a lot, only semantics, but the religion often tells it's
followers how happy they are. And when you are in the religion and you are
unhappy the only thing that happens is you internalize your feelings into
illness or depression. Remember at this point, when you believe everything you
read, there is no reason to doubt the truth of the 'happiness' statement. And I
just kept thinking how unhappy I was and wondering what was wrong with me.
Further
reading
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